‘Listen - how to find the words for tender conversations’ by bestselling author Kathryn Mannix is such a useful, compassionate book about listening, and with the authors empathy and understanding shining through on every page, it’s also wise and moving. Kathryn has worked for over thirty years in palliative care and has also practiced as a doctor, psychotherapist and trainer, so not only is she able to explain how to be a good listener, she is also able to demonstrate with examples those same skills in practice.

Including her own personal stories works so well, even showing us when she hasn’t used the skills herself, most notably on one occasion when she fails to tell a terminally ill woman she is dying. And it was hard not to be moved by the man determined to shave himself, a finally act of dignity before he died. I really liked the analogy of dancing and conversastion - there are lots of different components, and the speaker and the listener can fall into step together.

‘We limp to wisdom over the hot coals of our mistakes. Bind your feet now, and keep walking’

Becoming a better listener

I consider myself a decent listener, most of the time, but after reading this book (and another title from last year called 'You're not listening' by Kate Murphy that I wrote about here ) I know that I have some way to go. But the good thing is that listening is something you can get better at and there are lots of examples here on how to do so. From using questions, remaining present, checking and repeating and using silence, and not forgetting the vital importance of self care for those who listen.

'Silence helps conversations to work. Give it space. Don't interrupt.'

One of the most interesting sections in ‘Listen’ is when Kathryn Mannix talks about someone diving in to help whilst listening, very often a natural impulse. They are trying to make it better, but it is the opposite of listening - it is intended to reduce the distress, but in the end the only distress it reduces is their own. We all have people like this in our lives. I don't need advice unless I have asked for it - I would have sorted it already if it was that simple. And no - you don't know how I feel. This is my story, not yours, so I don't want to hear about that time when you…..

Please, I want to say. Just listen. Be present and be silent. 

‘Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’

Loneliness

Kathryn Mannix writes beautifully about loneliness too, something I have encountered over the past number of months, and I'm not the only one as it is an epidemic in society, especially since covid and the accompanying lockdowns. People in general are reducing their social contacts, but as social animals, we are hard wired to connect to one another.

‘Loneliness is not a choice. It is a sentence imposed by circumstances that sever our connections….

Loneliness is not about a lack of company but a lack of connection. Surrounded by people but with no one to hear us it can be a place lonelier than isolation.’

I think this would be a incredibly useful book for anyone caring for a loved one who is dying. To be present with them, to have the difficult conversations that nobody wants to have but are necessary; if you’re in that situation, I think you’ll find this a compassionate and necessary book.

I particularly liked her ideas at the end of ‘Listen’, for listening skills such as those discussed to be taught in schools. You can't help but feel the world would be in a much better place but maybe we can help the next generation. This is a vital book, full of compassion and great advice on how to listen better.

'In the end, human wellbeing is rooted in community and nurrtured by being listened to and understood."

Listen - How to find the words for tender conversations - Kathryn Mannix
Thanks to Netgalley and William Collins for the Advanced Reader Copy in exchange for an honest book review

272 pages

Published December 1st 2021 by William Collins